Feelings
Episode #0005
Intro / Outro 0:00
Monday Marinade with Mer 'n Nay. A recipe for your mind. Soak it up!
Meredith (Mer) 0:09
like when I was growing up my in my life like I never talked about my feelings.
Naomi (Nay) 0:19
I certainly didn't.
Meredith (Mer) 0:22
And I feel like that is something like especially now that I'm in these relationships I like I'm constantly like, the accusation for me is that like, I don't talk enough about my feelings. And that's not with my feelings. Oh my god. Yeah, even though you've done so much work on develop.
Naomi (Nay) 0:44
You're great at talking. But I mean, we're not in a love, like a paired up relationship. Maybe it's different. There's different expectations.
Meredith (Mer) 0:51
So Well, I think that differ I think, there I think that also I think that there's a lot that we that we can do I feeling like I don't think either of us grew up in homes where feelings
Naomi (Nay) 1:10
meant to be there. You know, I agree with you. I think it's and it's more than that. It's more that they more than they weren't important. They were, they were a nuisance, like they got in the way of I don't even know what, I don't even know what like daily life like they were. They were annoying. They were negative. It was negative. It was even even overexuberance. Right. Like it was just, you know, like, but
Meredith (Mer) 1:48
was like, How can we like, everyone was always kind of sick feeling. So it's not only that you could like have your feelings. It was like, like, you could change your feelings. Like you can feel a certain way. Right, right. And, like, I don't have a lot of language, because it's like, there's so many different feelings. I don't have that many. I feel like I like I read lists of feeling these days. What are the feelings like, like, you know, what is the language that I know all these things? I'm like, I feel like I just don't have it.
Naomi (Nay) 2:21
You don't! I mean, not me. Because I know you and I know me and we were raised with similar values and we don't. you I run into the same thing. We're all here myself saying, I'm feeling angry or frustrated, whatever. But it's more than that. You know what I mean? Like you really have to stop and think about what is it because you don't have the vocabulary. It's very childish: happy or sad. Or Angry. But you're not you're not able to like you know, name more than that because if any of those feelings were to arise, you'd be like, "Oh, suck it up". Or "you're gonna be fine". "Shake it off". Right? I'm probably unless ... I can hear, and it's not just my parents I think it would have been teachers and aunts and uncles and you know, babysitters, everyone right, like, " it's gonna be fine". "Are you bleeding?" "Are you dead?"
Meredith (Mer) 3:23
Are you are minimizing feeling is and I mean, I see myself every so often. I mean, it's a habit Right? Like I do it every day. I still do it. It's like rather than just let someone have their feelings and be like, Yeah, that must be hard or even I don't even know the right way to support someone and you're feeling because it's so uncomfortable.
Naomi (Nay) 3:48
So I only have recently learned that doesn't mean I apply it well, and and not surprisingly the person to whom I applied the least well is myself you would not believe how ungraceful I am to myself, you probably are too.
Meredith (Mer) 4:09
Oh I know I am! We do? We do? We do? I mean, I know that's like me. It's like me holding you in? Like comfort. Exactly. Because
Naomi (Nay) 4:22
we all do well. So we all we all I would say children of born in mid '79 or older. Right? Like children of the 50s 60s and 70s. Right? Yeah. Have you read any Brene Brown or watched any of her TED talks or podcast? Like
Meredith (Mer) 4:41
I feel okay, so I have, but I don't I know she just wrote a book. About a month. Yeah.
Naomi (Nay) 4:49
Yeah.
Meredith (Mer) 4:51
Okay, yeah. Like I could read that. I'm like, I bet I could have a good vocabulary list. Uses she
Naomi (Nay) 4:58
start with doesn't TED talk out there. That's what made her famous right? And then it turns out she's been doing. But her work is very much based on what we're talking about, which is the core, like feeling associated with being able to voice feelings is vulnerability, right? Because you learn at a very young age to, to shut it down or negate it. Because when you do that's met with negativity. So, you know, we're creating, we want to minimize pain. So, you know, you have a few times you're told to like, You're fine, you're fine, you're fine. There's a little gaslighting we have thrown in there for fun, and then all of a sudden, you're like, Oh, I must be fine. So this must not be good. So like, why am I gonna go there? And now, this generation is being raised with no. And so here we are the parents of these kids, or working with these people. And we're like, oh, we don't know what to do. I'm having these feelings, and I and they're so big. I'm struggling to process them. Because I was never given the tools growing up how to process them, you know, so that's what it is. But what happened, like think, like, what happened culturally? Like, why did it did? Like, was it COVID? Like, what happened that were suddenly on? It predates COVID? Like, you deal with this, our kids will never deal with this.
Meredith (Mer) 6:23
Never
Naomi (Nay) 6:25
hear this podcast and 20 years, and they'll be like, Mom, you're insane.
Meredith (Mer) 6:31
You know, and I do think that there are people of our generation and older, some of whom are for whatever reason, they've done the self work or whatever. And they are, like, they're able to speak about their feelings. Like, I have no idea like how these people happen. Like, I'm just like, how did this happen? And I don't get like, why there was a change. Oh, I think it's funny. There's this concept called Affect Theory. And it's an aspect is like, feeling. It's like, you know, we, you know, we have like, why do we do things because of, we make rational decisions, right? Or our mind knowledge that's like, Plato and all that. And then there's like, I make decisions, like irrational, like I make irrational decisions, right? With my own conscience. That's like a psychological interpretation. And then, like, I make decisions that are pre cognitive prelinguistic that are like feeling, like better feelings. And that's like, and that's like after.
Naomi (Nay) 7:57
Now you think that's what it is? I think it's the third one. I think it is. Oh, yeah.
Meredith (Mer) 8:01
No, that's, that's like, that's been that's gotten really big in the last 20 years of like, academic area of exploration.
Naomi (Nay) 8:12
Okay. Definitely. I'm familiar with the word Affect, obviously, like in the terms of being affected by something you don't I mean, but other than that, I've never heard of it as a field of study. So I'm definitely
Meredith (Mer) 8:24
I mean, I feel like for years, I've been looking at it. I'm like, what is it what? I'm so emotionally? I mean, I hear like, inadequate, or I took the learning curve.
Naomi (Nay) 8:44
I think it sounds harsh to say, there when I would use that for myself as well. Because, ya know, it's fair, we're never given. We weren't given the tools in then thankfully, you can do it because like you said, it's a habit.
Meredith (Mer) 9:02
But it can be learned. Yeah. Look at this, and I'm like, doesn't make any sense to me. Like, I was so hard for me to fit it into, like, my mental picture of the world. Okay, with like, right from speaking a totally foreign language. And, like, finally, the last week or so, I'm like, oh, like I get it. Like, I'm like, okay, like these feelings that we have. There's a whole idea of like, negative affect, like sort of, like ennuie, or boredom, like these, you know, that they make us do things right. Like that's, like maybe like dropping out of the workforce. And then all these feelings that people have and, and it's situational. You know, I and I don't think you I think the whole thing is like feel All, like we have to feel all of our feelings can't construct, like immediately I want to think about like solutioning. Right, like, capitalist, like how do we, how do we create an environment so that we never feel any feelings? We don't want to feel. But that's like, Yeah, but I feel like this thing is like, let's feel all the feelings, let's be really let's develop a lot of awareness and sensitivity towards all these different feelings. That I mean, I think it's a new I think it's new.
Naomi (Nay) 10:37
So as, as I am hearing you speak, I was thinking of two things. I was thinking, a new expression that I learned recently, which is with regard to my children, because I have a tendency to want to fix what they're feeling. And I'm catching myself. Because I'm like, wait a minute, break cycles, right? Like, you don't want to perpetuate this. And I learned when a child's having big feelings to ask them do they want to be done. I shared this with you last week. I can't remember. Helped, Hugged, or heard. Have you heard this before? No, what keeps me It's fabulous. I listen, I learned this. It was served to me on an Instagram post. Okay, so, um, but you know what, it's because I follow these hashtags of, you know, gentle parenting and whatever. And I was fabulous. I don't know who coined this. I cannot attribute it. But it is such an easy moniker three agents do want to be helped. Do you want to be hugged? Or do you want to be heard? And I'm like, That's exactly right. And we were taught you and me to just help. What can I do? What can I do? What can I do? Nothing. Just hug me. I don't even want to talk. I just have such big feelings just hold me make me feel loved. Or, I have such big feelings. And I'm angry or I'm, whatever the feeling is. And I need to get it out. Because it's inside me. And I need to get it out. So please, just listen. I don't even want to be actually don't touch me. Because I need to move with my inner I'm feeling so energetically experiencing and energetically. So please don't touch me because I'm gonna hit you by accident. You know, but hear me?
Meredith (Mer) 12:25
Yeah.
Naomi (Nay) 12:27
I started doing it with adults friends in the last two weeks. And everyone's been like, what did you find? Where do you hear that? And I'm like, I don't know. It just was. I was doom scrolling one night, and he got served to me. And it's one of the best things that's been served to me on social media. And I absolutely.
Meredith (Mer) 12:45
It's like you don't know, like, what is it? Like, what? At this moment? You know, we all do we try to help because that is like, capitalist. You know?
Naomi (Nay) 12:57
That's exactly right. That's exactly right. You know, so. And then there was something else that made me exactly right. Which I think truly 90% of time you want to be heard or held? I really do.
Meredith (Mer) 13:09
Oh, absolutely. You never want help. Like very rarely. I don't think your feelings like need help. like No. No. That's it. So it's like weird, right? It's like everything in our society. It's like, what are we gonna do? Right? Like, what do you feelings do? Like, maybe they don't do anything, except we just feel them. You know, so I
Naomi (Nay) 13:38
so Meredith. So that is something I have been so intrigued with for about a year, I started listening to a guy named Brendon Burchard. He's like a personal development coach. And I actually I happened to fall on a I don't know, it's not a podcast, but like an audio segment that I found in one of my meditation apps. And it spoke exactly to what you just said, because I felt for the longest time what is what is the purpose, right? And the way he broke it down that I've been using that makes sense for me is you have emotions which are different than feelings. And your emotions are your the chemical responses, the things that you feel in your stomach in your mind. Like it's the it's the instantaneous reptilian kind of, you know, response, right? You can't do anything about it, it's happening. And then how you're feeling is a choice. And that was like a mind blowing experience for me to I guess hear that and then come to accept it and agree with it because it's saying, oh my gosh, I have so much control over this just because this situation is triggering me, triggering emotions of anger doesn't mean I have to feel the anger, it means I can be aware or I have to sit with the anger, right? Like, I can observe the anger, it's you know, you distance yourself from the emotion in the sense that you become an observer of it. And you choose to feel what you want to feel. And then if you rationally assess that the emotion of anger makes sense, because someone just did you an injustice, and you should feel angry, then be with the anger, but then also choose to let it go appropriately, when you believe is the right time, as opposed to letting the emotions take over you. And then why that matters is because that then translates into actions or behaviors, which then become part of who you are, especially when they're repeated. Because then you become the person who does this, you're the person who always gets angry when we talk about this topic, or you're the person who always gets super happy when this happens, either by someone else's judgment or your own judgment, you know, what I mean? So it creates your, I don't know, your persona, your your personality, your identity, whatever you want to call it, but your your actions, essentially, it translates into your actions, and then how you are perceived by others.
Meredith (Mer) 16:23
So you know, I mean, I think there's so much wisdom in that. And where my mind goes, is like, we have to do that for like, hot, like, quote unquote, positive emote feelings too Yes, like, yeah. And that, for me, like brings up this sort of sadness. Yeah, because I enjoy my happy feelings. But I, but it's like, you're still you know, that you're still possessed. You know, I'm possessed by feelings of joy as much as feelings of sadness. Yeah. Yeah. And it's not a choice. When, when when I'm not, like, it's such a relief sometimes to feel that.
Naomi (Nay) 17:10
Yes, I agree. I agree. I do think though. And again, I wish I could attribute it to you know, it's like when you've read so much stuff, you don't even know where the sources anymore, right? Like,
Meredith (Mer) 17:24
integrate integrated, it's yours now.
Naomi (Nay) 17:28
Is that do you get to do that? Is that?
Meredith (Mer) 17:32
You know, you can do anyway, it's like every generation has to rediscover it for themselves. It's true,
Naomi (Nay) 17:38
right? Every 100 years, and then you read like, you read Henry David Thoreau. That was written what, like 250 years ago, and you're like, oh, my gosh, this could be right now just like, maybe using different like, different like, expressions. Nothing changes. We just recycle the same stuff with more technology, right?
Meredith (Mer) 18:00
Yeah. Absolutely the case.
Naomi (Nay) 18:03
Oh, my gosh, I don't even remember what I was gonna say. But I mean, it's, it's, you know, it is it is really interesting that, oh, I know what I was gonna say it's about homeostasis. You know, I really believe and I started believing this when I worked in the nutrition space for in weight loss space, right? It's like, because I would work with candidates who you know, it's the whole like, you you lose weight and then you plateau. It's like you plateau because your body's like, Ah, you're putting me in too much. This is too much. I'm looking for stability. I don't like ups and downs, right, your body's always looking for or you can call it equanimity. Right? I think there's different ways of looking at I don't love balance because balance for me triggers like the balance scale of justice where it's like there's equal weighting and it doesn't move. And that's not life there Life is movement like this flow so equanimity is more like the seesaw going up and down or homeostasis where it's like two different things flowing back and forth or Yeah, so one of those words but I think whether I think of it also with the same thing with happiness and sadness to us very gross you know, labels where it's like, if you're you're overly joyed with something or overly angered like you're gonna feel an imbalance and you may not be able to name it or explain it, but there's like, think about when you have a fabulous weekend. Oh, it's Sunday night. Why do you get the blues Why are you getting but you get the end of weekend lose like it's a known thing, right? Like the Sunday night blues. It's like you're coming off the high of having had a fabulous weekend. Like the little Gremlins are waiting for you on the other side.
Meredith (Mer) 19:54
And it's your right and and And it's just like, it takes you out. Like maybe you have certain things that you want to do, but when you have, like, sort of feelings of joy or excitement, we'll prioritize other things. Right? Your priorities being seem like organize themselves with different emotions, even like, you know, definitely with sadness, right? You don't like a bed of things so it does, it's like we kind of like have these feelings, sort of practice having feelings like practice.
Naomi (Nay) 20:44
I agree, you know? So let's practice having feelings, Meredith, and I'm going to stop lamenting my woes of dropping my daughter off at camp this morning. I'll send you the audio I recorded this morning of myself because I I wanted to document it and I didn't have a pen and a paper so I did like an audio recording. And as I was speaking, I was like, I am being so cruel to myself. I am being so self loathing. And on accepting and ungraceful and if I heard someone else talking the way I was talking, I would get mad at that person and be like, Stop, give yourself some grace. You know, but it's like we're our own worst. Critics judges, right. I mean, I suppose that's what the one makes us driven but at the other on the other side, it's very taxing and emotionally
Meredith (Mer) 21:42
exhausting. Yeah,
Naomi (Nay) 21:44
it's tiring, right? It's really tiring. It's like, it's okay.
Meredith (Mer) 21:48
You know, that's always the feeling. It's like, right, like, you look at somebody and you're like, it's not. You get that objective perspective. That's so hard to have. When you're when you are, when it's when it's your drama or your feelings. It becomes overwhelming.
Naomi (Nay) 22:09
Well, and I think it's your expression I remember you coined years ago of being "addicted to the drama" like it's very easy to get sucked into your own drama.
Meredith (Mer) 22:19
my god. Dopamine, it's like a dopamine. it really is biological. release the release. We got I mean, it's like crazy.
Naomi (Nay) 22:34
Oh, Mereidth, I love, love chatting with you. I do have to wrap up though, because I gotta I gotta go the kids. Yeah, I know. I love you. And I am so glad you went to the city. Your ROI is way higher than you can imagine.
Meredith (Mer) 22:53
It's like the whole thing is I can't it's not. It's right. It's like, this is what I'm doing. It feels and I'm just surprised at how good it all feels. Like how is it feels so good. Does it feel so good? Like it was like pouring rain to walk in this gallery in the rain. How does it feel so good? Like I saw my friend for like half an hour like it all felt so good. I'm like, is it enough? Like Shouldn't it be like this is enough like this is so good. I was like how can this why is this enough? This is the perfect
Naomi (Nay) 23:32
and it's because relationships right is because you went out and you bonded and you connected so it was like Oh,
Meredith (Mer) 23:44
like this I also kind of feel like this is what I'm doing right now. Okay, I'm gonna go get the subway. That's my container.
Naomi (Nay) 23:54
I love you Mer! Have a great weekend!
Intro / Outro 24:04
Did you enjoy this week's episode of Monday Marinade with Mer 'n Nay? If so, join us next week as we explore a new topic in our podcast, with the goal of helping you kickstart your week, have a better day and ultimately thrive. Every Monday Marinade is an opportunity to soak up new recipes for your mind. So you can unleash your greatness, ignite your inner fire and inspire. Till next week!
