Helped, Heard or Hugged
Kyetu Catalyst. A spark to ignite change!
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I stared silently at my friend while she lashed out at me. She obviously wasn't in her rational mind anymore. Her fists and jaw were clenched tight.
And she was caught somewhere between rage and despair, as she shed hot tears. I knew in my heart that this wasn't about me. But it didn’t make it any more comfortable to be on the receiving end of it. I mean, I don't like being anyone's punching bag! But in that moment, I chose compassion. It was a split second decision, where I could have escalated. Instead, I chose to believe that this wasn't about me. The lashings I was currently receiving were, in fact, displaced emotions for something that had absolutely nothing to do with me. I continued to listen quietly until there was a pause, and I asked, “Do you want to be helped, heard, or hugged?”
She looked back at me, dumbfounded. My quiet control was disconcerting to her. “What?”, She asked.
“Do you want to be helped, heard, or hugged?”, I reiterated. I had recently read a piece in the New York Times about how asking this could help diffuse a situation.
Through soggy tears, she managed to mumble, “Hugged”. So I walked over and held my dear friend while she continued to sob.
Have any of you ever had a similar encounter with a loved one? Those moments when emotions are like a storm, and you're standing in the middle, unsure whether to weather it or seek shelter? That’s what we’d love to explore in today’s episode of the Kyetu Catalyst.
In these emotionally charged moments, the ability to listen with compassion becomes paramount. Psychologist Carl Rogers, a pioneer in client-centered therapy, emphasized the importance of empathy and unconditional positive regard in facilitating personal growth. When faced with someone in the midst of emotional turmoil, providing a space for them to express themselves without judgment can be incredibly healing.
Can you take a moment and grab your journal? Write for 3-minutes about a difficult situation where you could have extended compassion; that is to literally “feel the pain” with the person struggling. Perhaps it was a circumstance where you felt like you were being attacked or misjudged. In that moment, you chose to fight back. But with hindsight now, how do you think the situation would have turned had you instead said, “I hear what you’re saying, and I feel your pain. How can I demonstrate to you that I’m on your side in this moment? Would you like me to help you? Or would you prefer if I listened? Or do you just want me to hold you until you feel better?
It’s not always easy, especially when emotions are running high. In his book "Nonviolent Communication," Marshall B. Rosenberg explores the power of expressing empathy and understanding even in the face of conflict. By recognizing that the outburst may not be about you, you open the door to a more empathetic response.
In that pivotal moment, as things begin to escalate, offering the choice between being helped, heard, or hugged proves to be a simple yet profound way to extend support. This concept aligns with the idea of providing autonomy and agency to the person in distress. Psychologist and author Viktor Frankl, in his book "Man's Search for Meaning”, highlighted the importance of finding meaning and purpose even in challenging circumstances. By offering choices, we empower others to navigate their emotional landscapes.
All of this is so aligned with our mantra at Kyetu; that of being “present, patient, and poised”. It emphasizes the importance of empathy, active listening, and providing a safe space for expressing emotions. It suggests that by nurturing these aspects, we can strengthen our bonds and help our authentic selves shine in the context of our relationships.
Thanks for joining us on today's Kyetu Catalyst. Please share our podcast with family, friends, and in your social networks. You just might be someone else’s spark to ignite change!
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Kyetu. Who do you think you are?
Has this Catalyst inspired you to embrace a path to genuine self-discovery, and to define your authentic identity? If so, please share it with others who may benefit. Together, let’s be…
