Self-Care
Episode #0002
Intro / Outro 0:00
Monday marinade with Mer 'n Nay. A recipe for your mind. Soak it up!
Naomi (Nay) 0:05
Our second topic on this week's episode of Monday Marinade is self-care.
I feel like it should be a beautiful topic, but I find it to be very laden with issues for me in any case. I don't know what your thoughts are...
Meredith (Mer) 0:28
like, I mean, it's hard. Because we're taught, you know, that sacrifice and not to put you know, where you want to take care of ourselves like capitalism, right? It's like this. It's like taking care of yourself. Others, but that's like not the truth. That's not true. Like care is not a resource. Like a scarcity is not a scarce resource. You know,
Naomi (Nay) 1:12
it's abundance giving is you can give an abundance, right? Yeah, self care is a form of giving. No, I agree. I agree with everything you just said. And I would add that, I think there's a Gen X Boomer element. I'm not sure that millennials and younger necessarily struggle with what we're about to talk about, but maybe, maybe not. And then I think there's an element of perception of the definition of what it means, like what self care is, and I, and I think I struggle, not just with the execution of what we're going to define as self care is, but also I feel like it's just become manipulated in the last couple of years since COVID. Because it became such a topic after people burned out in the workforce and realize and reexamine their lives. And they were like, Okay, well, what am I doing to care for myself, and I think there's many different variations of what that means, of course, but I think it's commercially become not necessarily adapted for the good and I want to talk about I want to make sure that we get, you know, we chat about that.
Meredith (Mer) 2:16
No, I and it's like, also, like, I like I say, self care, and I joke like hashtag self care. differently, maybe we need a different language. Because because it is it has been taken over like self care is like cosmetics, like I'm gonna go buy cosmetics, was that nothing wrong with that? I mean, that is self care. I don't know. But, but it is tied in with shopping and consuming. And.
Naomi (Nay) 2:46
And it should be about giving. And I believe that giving is, is connecting and creating, as opposed to as opposed to what you're describing, which is consuming which is taking, and they're I feel like they're completely at opposite ends. And it's been, it's been bastardized for the betterment of profit.
Meredith (Mer) 3:15
I will also even say, like, I had this feeling this morning that I would even say that there's something about care, and self care in particular, that we need a new word for. That's about like being like, yes. And not doing or giving, but just like letting yourself be. And from that, is those that maybe we would equate with, like, doing something with with the doing or the giving, but really not? You're not, it's not active? It's not like production? Like, you know, I feel like it's a good to care of, like, that's almost like, oh my god, like, I care for my kid. Like, I know that I care for myself. Like it's like, oh my god, you know, it's like so overwhelming.
Naomi (Nay) 4:08
And the conversation has become you are negligent if you're not self caring to a certain degree, there's judgment that's now become part of the social conversation I believe right? If you're not What do you mean you're not doing us? What do you mean you're not saying that you got it? And it's not like eating healthy getting sleep get the basics right? It's you know, you're you're you're neglecting your persona your your image like you're not hashtag self care.
Meredith (Mer) 4:37
absolutely, then and then there's this other thing that happens so it's like yeah, so it's like okay, oh, like another thing I'm not doing like
Naomi (Nay) 4:45
add it to the list.
Meredith (Mer) 4:48
And then myself, but today, I am like everyone needs different things. And then everyone gets like really kind of aggressive, like myself included. Did about like, you know, taking like, like the self care like you. It's like when you it's like when you snap at your kids in the car. You know, it's like you're it's like you're giving you're giving them in a wrong way. And you're like enough. Yes. Yeah. So I feel like that's it's like, it's like, it's like you're overstepping my boundaries and taking care of myself.
Naomi (Nay) 5:20
Yes. Yeah. Well, you know, I It's interesting, one of the conversations I want to have with you at some point is act very similarly, you know, inspired by what you just said, which is distinguishing between boundaries and patients, because in the same way that we recently talked about freedom and choice, I have had a tendency to confuse the difference, or the two, I've had a tendency to, to confuse being patient with boundaries. And just like, it's okay, everything's okay. It's actually no, not everything's okay. These are my boundaries. And, but I'm going to stay patient and just stay patient through the whole thing. But when you confuse the two, and I do think it's linked with self care, because I actually coming back to what you said about being it's interesting, I found this journal that I bought, I got so this beautiful journal actually bought it from a woman in Australia, you know, during COVID. And when we spent a lot more time on her technology, and phones that we all that we all want to admit. And I got served an ad for a journal called Make it happen by a woman who created a business called leaders in heels. And it's beautiful, and you know, it's pink and gold and all the things I like. And the first page has a page called intentions and goals summary. And this was right in the, in the heat of, you know, COVID and I, the first word I wrote there, this is some three years ago, theme word for the year, you know, what I wrote in there, I wrote self care. And I remember this, as we were starting this conversation, I went to grab the journal and, but then I came back and I crossed it out and what I wrote instead, acceptance, because I feel like, that's what you're saying, with the being, it's like self care, maybe started off with something, or we perceived it to be something and it's a confusion of boundaries, and patience, and being and presence and all these things, and getting your nails done and not having gray roots and all of the above. But I feel like at its core, if you were to really truly, in my opinion, truly define what is genuine self care. It's acceptance of self, which I think is being I think that's what you're saying.
Meredith (Mer) 7:35
No, I mean, that so a very beautiful touching to me. But it is like that is like the heart of self care is like being like holding yourself. Like, where and not doing something to make yourself okay. Right? It's not like,
Naomi (Nay) 7:58
exactly. Because it's
Meredith (Mer) 8:00
like radical, like radical
Naomi (Nay) 8:03
acceptance. And I don't think it's negating, evolving, or growing or healing or becoming a better, better person better. Whatever, better anything, right? I mean, we are designed to grow to evolve to develop, but in the moment in time, zero, you are accepting and right, and you're gonna do the other thing. So it's like, is self care synonymous with love or self love? With self acceptance? I think at its root, I think it is. But don't you think I mean, I don't I don't know, this is where I
Meredith (Mer) 8:54
really love them. So it is it's like, right, it's like, just because you accept yourself doesn't mean that you don't want to change. I don't want to say that or not. But you but you don't want to change. But I think it is it's like a it's like a an appreciation of the moment of where we are right now. It's you know, it's and, and from that you can like relax, a little soften. And then, you know, it's like, then you have like, you have more movement to change. It's like if you have a rubber band that's pulled too tight, it's like, there's no
Naomi (Nay) 9:39
you're stuck. You're you have no slack you're you're getting ready to snap.
Meredith (Mer) 9:44
So it's like if there's gonna be change and it's like from this place. Here I am, and this is, you know, this is what I you know, or compassion. I think Um, maybe from there is like some really mean self love and self care. Um, you know, I think of like care, right, like taking care of something like I cleaned my kitchen this morning. I was having a moment with my apartment. I don't know if you I mean, I've asked, you know, I'm like, I'm cleaning, making breakfast making lunch for the kids. And I'm like, oh my god, I'm gonna have like little oil particulates over everything they should just clean after, you know. And no, I'm like, I'm not. Like, it feels good to clean this now, I'm going to pay more later to because of the oil. But I'm just, I'm paying, I'm just, I'm taking care of this. Like, there is like a, I'm in for this
Naomi (Nay) 11:02
bit about you're talking about like, full responsive, it's like full, full accountability for responsibility for exactly everything that's happening in the moment.
Meredith (Mer) 11:12
But it's, it's, um, it's like, what does it mean to care for something? Is it the same as loving it? And caring is like, like caring is activity. It's not a, like, I'm not caring for my kitchen. So it gets clean. I mean, I would like it clean kitchen. But it's like, there is something in the act of care. We're not gonna wait until like my kitchen has like, Matt, I'm not like optimizing my cleaning for like the outcome of, of only having to clean once and like, it's not, it's not that activity, like I am engaged in the process of caring for my kitchen.
Naomi (Nay) 11:52
I hear I hear you. And you know, Meredith, I wonder I so I have a pet peeve with my kids I used to do and I changed my perspective. I used to have a pet peeve when my kids would say, I don't care. And used to drive me nuts. Because, you know, this broke, whatever, I don't care. This is insert anything, right? And I all kids do this. It's not my kids. But I wanted to examine why does it bother me so much? Why does it bother me because I think at its core, it was saying, I was hearing, I'm not taking responsibility for this, like, I don't care, it can stay, it can rot, it can be dirty it can. And I'm not accepting it. So I really believe words matter. I don't know if it's because I have two languages. And I you know, in the in having a lot of background with etymology. And I, I love understanding where words come from, because I feel like you know, words, words, words have a heritage words have a, you know, an original meaning that that evolve over time. But I looked at the etymology of care. I don't know, it was a couple months, it was very recently. And I was surprised to learn that it's actually a means to grieve, or to be exactly or to lament. And so then, when it's when I hear the word care from that person, I know Whoa, right?
Meredith (Mer) 13:22
Yeah,
Naomi (Nay) 13:23
I couldn't believe it. So when you say I don't care, you're like, I'm not going to lament over this. I'm not going to grieve over this. And then in that context, I agree. It's like, it's not worth the drama. Right, like, so. I know. I'm segwaying a little bit but I interconnected with how the word I really, really do believe words matter. I really do. And, and I feel like the word has evolved to care, meaning you are owning and taking responsibility. And you know, it's also if you step up into like mindset, it's a mindset of abundance versus deprivation. It's like, I know, it's a double negative, but is it more like, I'm not going to worry about not depriving myself from this as opposed to, like, I felt like once passive versus active. I don't know if this is making any sense.
Meredith (Mer) 14:21
Oh, my gosh, this is like so mind blowing. I love it. I mean, words do matter. I feel like a certain precision to the words I use and I'm anal. I also very sloppy with my language. We all we all are. We're busy. We're multitask. Not everyone. Some people are, like really called out on it lately, like I'm saying and I am just very attentive now, to my language. I mean, I mean, look, Lacanian analysis, which is all about language. It's like I got the words, you know, so I was in your meta analysis that's like the images of your unconscious, like the language your unconscious speaks to you in words
Naomi (Nay) 15:13
And I do think it gets passed down genetically. There's a fabulous book, I'm blanking on what it's called right now. "It Didn't Start with You", a psychotherapist who has done analysis where people have vocabulary that are innate in them, they don't even know where it comes from. So they're words associated with words because they believe and sense and whatnot, that it gets passed down through epigenetics. I do think it matters.
Meredith (Mer) 15:39
But anyways, so totally matters. And, and it's funny, I was in analysis the other day I was, I was telling my love life, I said something to my analyst, I'm like, I don't I don't care. And she said, Well, you do care a lot. Because like, that's what I've been talking about. Yeah. Do you care?
Naomi (Nay) 16:06
or, or you don't care, meaning you're not going to lose any sleep over this. But the word you maybe what you should have said is, um, you know, I can't control this, or I am not taking responsibility for this, or I'm not aggressively pursue this.
Meredith (Mer) 16:26
Yeah. Or it's like, I have resilience. I know what to do. I know, the outcome, committed to an outcome. And I think the idea of care and grief and limitation is really interesting. I sort of want to understand this. You know, it's like, there's this whole thing right now in culture, in our culture, like, with grief, and we have to grieve more. It's very hard for me as a Enneagram. Seven, I think, I don't know I don't know if you're a seven or an eight. But you're definitely
Naomi (Nay) 16:59
I have to do it. I tell my to do list. It's been for like two years, I literally found the top three things and my start inbox I still haven't
Meredith (Mer) 17:06
really been like the joy and like, let's have a lot of fun and be joyful. Like, that's where I like that's like, I'm like grief. I'm like, That does not sound fun. No, but there is. But like, what is it like there is something like care? Like there is some kind of a lamentation about care, it's like never die. It's like a it's like a care is like the thankless. It's like your it is like a devotional. It's exhausting.
Naomi (Nay) 17:45
Which is why you start ever be
Meredith (Mer) 17:46
clean. It's just like, there is an
Naomi (Nay) 17:51
My island will never be clear ever. For I mean, it won't be not one for one second. You're
Meredith (Mer) 18:01
engaged in this constant? Um, you know, and you're, like I mentioned, like, lamentation is like caring for a dead body. It's like you're caring for something. There is no reciprocity, like, care is not reciprocal one way
Naomi (Nay) 18:13
it's not. But I mean, but isn't, you know, isn't giving one way like to come back to where we started about self care being an act of giving, and it's become an act of consuming. But isn't that the whole point? When you give love? You don't give an excuse? You don't accept anything? You don't you really don't expect anything. You put it out into the universe? And maybe it comes back? Maybe it doesn't, but you've given your entire heart genuinely.
Meredith (Mer) 18:42
Yeah, no, it doesn't like what is really the difference between love and care.
Naomi (Nay) 18:49
I mean, I think there's maybe an element of honor involved, perhaps especially where it's like, it's just the right thing to do. Why don't just, it's just the right thing to do. Why am I going to care for? And I think this is where, you know, we peel back the onion, it's like, are you doing it to not be judged? Are you doing it? Because if you don't, you're not fulfilling some purpose that was labeled upon you as a child? Or are you doing it because you desire it because you want to? And I feel like this bastardized version of commercial self care has become super laden with judgment. was talking to a mom recently, who, you know, I don't I don't get my nails done. It's just not my thing. I don't care for you know, if someone wants to do it, I, like, makes absolutely no difference to me. And I mean, it's like, do it don't do it. Right. So, but um, she was saying, it's like, there's an expectation and I kind of looked at her and I didn't understand what she was saying. And then all the other moms is I noticed they all had the acrylic nails or whatever they're called the dip nails. And it's like, yeah, we got I gotta go every two weeks or every three weeks. And what do you mean, you have to? It's like, there's an expectation. It's like that's and they were labeling that self care. But that's like part of the self care persona that their entourage, you know, label for them. And meanwhile, I'm looking at my like, nails with mud underneath. And I'm like, what about me? Like, oh, well, I didn't even notice. I'm like, exactly. Why? Why is it that we've evolved this beautiful word, I think, which is for... Which is which is focused on giving, and, and it's become about the regular injections of CC Botox into your lips about the and again, I live in Palm Beach County. So let's I probably have like a skewed definition of
Meredith (Mer) 20:54
sexist, you know? I mean, I would continue, what is it
Naomi (Nay) 21:01
guys definition of what it would be a guy's definition of self care going to the gym?
Meredith (Mer) 21:06
Yeah, God, that's what I was thinking going into the gym, like a night out with his buddies.
Naomi (Nay) 21:11
Right? Isn't permissive? Is it something that is it? So I think it's the balance between become the balance between permission, which is the Gen X Boomer thing, which I don't think younger folks have any issue with that. It's like, should I am I allowed to? Should I be doing something else? instead? The "should/ could" dynamic. And then the societal expectations of beauty? Versus what does it really? Is self care really getting eight hours of sleep a night? Is that really at the end of it? Like if you were to define it? Or is it loving and accepting yourself exactly as you are? In the moment? I really struggled with it. I really do. Hashtag
Meredith (Mer) 21:57
Well, I think it's like, exactly. I don't think it's doing something out of how, you know, whatever self care is, it's not, like out of habit. Or, you know, expectation because you have expectations for yourself. It's not like maintenance. Only a car like self care is not like an oil change.
Naomi (Nay) 22:21
Is it going to get your annual man? Is it getting your teeth cleaned? And your your, your annual mammogram?
Meredith (Mer) 22:26
I mean, I don't think so. I think that, I mean, I think that is that is like the oil change, but it's like, there were certain things we need, there are certain things that are, that are like fall under the like, or like, you know, part of being a responsible adult, that's adults and, and that maybe we don't always want to do and sometimes it's hard, like, you know, like, you know, I remember I like I remember like one year like I skipped my mammogram. COVID. And like was that was not like an adult responsible thing to do. And, you know, what, in the self care part is like, okay, you know, I didn't you know, this is I couldn't do it. i Oh, my God, and just ingest like, and be like, Okay, now I'm going to different place. And now I can do more. Just like sitting with what is and sort of grieving maybe, like loving? And that's, that's it? I, you know, I don't, I don't think that, like there and then and then we can decide clearly like, what are those things that we feel that you have to what are those things that what are those things that are really important for the quote unquote, adulting I write? You know, I don't know that.
Naomi (Nay) 24:00
I think, you know, I really I changed my perspective a few years ago about my physical body. I mean, I was raised I think like a lot of women in the 80s and 90s. And it continues today it's a much I think more empancipated conversation now but of standards and, you know, thin-ness and whatnot. But um, you know, I really, I really changed my perspective to be like, you have a soul, it's a divine energy presence, and your body houses your soul, and you therefore have a responsibility to the universe to your family, to and you have a purpose to to fulfill with that soul energy. And the way you get to carry that out is with this body and So therefore you have a responsibility to care and nurture and grow and develop and heal. And that body as a house of your soul, and part of that is physical, it looks physical, obviously, it's physical, but part of it is like through exercise, it's it's exercises, nutrition and sleep. And then obviously, vanity plays an element to a certain degree, because if you want to perpetuate the race, you want to be attractive, and whatever definition of you know, being attractive is and, you know, I think of it that and so therefore, getting your mammogram and your teeth cleaned, falls under that category. So I don't know what you call that Body Body Care. Body Maintenance?
Meredith (Mer) 25:49
So, so like, right, so it's like, you know, as somebody that's like, not perpetuating the species anymore. By legible, right? Self like in like body care. It's like, I'm out in the world. And it's having your insides match your outsides? Yes. And, yes. And I think there's something that comes in there is this, like, this toxic thing that happens, right, where it's like, we're responsible for our illnesses, which we're not, you know, you can be the healthiest person and get and get all kinds of stuff. And you can and I saw some woman the other day, she's like, 110, and like, her secrets are good three, Dr. Peppers a day and like a pack of cigarettes. So it's like, you know, not that we, but it's like, you know, the thing, but the thing is, like, you know, you got me on that Whole 30. Right. Yeah, yeah. And the biggest, it's hard to sustain it for, you know, they're all these you know, and you know, what the gift that I have from that? I mean, no one does my body, it's an amazing thing. And then it also makes me really sensitive. Like, you know, I'll eat some, like, I'll eat some food and I'll be depressed, or I'll be or up or, or I'll feel a headache, or my ear will like my ear, I get that weird thing in my ear. You know, is this like this increased sensitivity?
Naomi (Nay) 27:28
Because you're cleaner, so to speak, right? You're less you feel more? Yeah. Which has,
Meredith (Mer) 27:35
like, wow, food, like I see it. The way that we're living today, like all of our foods are just, like, so depleted. Like, even if you eat the healthiest diet, you're not gonna be like your grandmother. They're the nutrients was not
Naomi (Nay) 27:53
in our foods. I know. And that's a fabulous conversation to have separately. I mean, I'm looking forward to having that conversation with you, for sure. I do think we're running out of time now, Meredith, we have arrived. And
Meredith (Mer) 28:06
we talked about self care? Did we care for ourselves?
Naomi (Nay) 28:10
I think so I have more clarity after this conversation. Um, and I do agree in coming full circle that, you know, the hashtag self care has, its that's not the that's, that's become something else. And I don't know what you call that hashtag, vanity. Whatever, you know, portrayed self care.
Meredith (Mer) 28:32
Yes. Like persona. Like, it's, like the whole Instagram thing. It's like, you know, we everyone like, private? Yeah, filter. It's like, it's like we're all public. And it's like, who am I? And like, I need to be a certain way in public.
Naomi (Nay) 28:45
Exactly. And, and I think it's what you said, what it's coming full circle to where our intuition brought us at the beginning of the conversation and where I had intuitively crossed off in this journal very, I did it very, without a lot of research, right? It's about being it's about acceptance, and it's about, as you said, matching the insights to the outside which is being congruence. Right? It's being lost true authenticity. so genuine. And I feel like this is where we concluded with freedom. I feel era these conversations gonna go this way where it's like, everything just goes back to be,
Meredith (Mer) 29:22
you know it's like Socrates. genuine self. It's like, yeah, it's like all the same. It's all Yeah.
Intro / Outro 29:37
Did you enjoy this week's episode of Monday Marinade with Mer 'n Nay? If so, join us next week as we explore a new topic in our podcast, with the goal of helping you kickstart your week, have a better day and ultimately thrive. Every Monday Marinade is an opportunity to soak up new recipes for your mind. So you can unleash your greatness, ignite your inner fire and inspire. Till next week!
